The Light at the End of a Long Tunnel!

Nov 30, 2018

I had extended my maternity leave for Stella to 18 months. I didn’t know that was an option when I had Molly. When it was time to go back to work, I felt overwhelming sadness. We had set up a schedule with a sitter who would come to our home. Molly was in school all day so the sitter spent most of her time with Stella. I would come home and see photos of them feeding the horses up the street, eating a treat or creating a craft. This put my mind at ease. Molly didn’t get along with the sitter as well. It was a tough adjustment for her. However, as far as transitions go, life was pretty good for them.

I was struggling at work. During my maternity leave, there were three changes in leadership-program coordinator, manager and dean. This changed the feel of our program. My news boss was not fond of children and had no empathy for me as a mom juggling my responsibilities. When I called her to tell her I was considering an extension for my maternity leave, she replied, “If you want to play Mommy, that’s up to you”. When we attended Open House together, many prospective students walked around, exploring what our college had to offer. My boss was annoyed by young mothers who brought their children. “Seriously, couldn’t they have left their kids at home. This is not the place to bring a kid.” There were many issues with my new boss including a lack of communication, an abundance of useless meetings (always booked on my non-teaching day, when I could be working from home), and an increase in pressure to create courses from scratch with little to no guidance. My schedule was also booked in a way that I had an 8am class then a 1pm class and nothing until 7pm. This meant that I didn’t see my daughters in the morning before they woke up or at night before they went to bed two days each week. I will spare you the details but it was a truly toxic environment.

Meanwhile, my husband was still trying to manage his ptsd. He would text me stressful messages and urge me to get home asap. This was stressful for me because the sitter left before I got home and he was alone with our children. One day, I was sitting at my computer, trying to prepare a class, speaking to students who walked in to ask questions about an assignment, looking at the clock and hearing my cell buzz with frantic texts. I felt my left arm go numb. All I could think about was, “If I kill myself trying to earn money and manage all the stressors in my life, who will raise my daughters? Who will keep them safe and love them?” I decided then and there that this was going to be my last semester. I wanted to be healthy and present for my daughters. I knew my husband did NOT want me to quit my job but I felt that I had a right to decided for myself before I ended up dead or chronically ill. I told him I was quitting my job, I typed the letter and handed it in. It felt so good.

There was a significant amount of tension and resentment in our relationship for some time but, eventually, my husband realized that we were doing just fine financially. Molly was more settled and Stella was happy to be with her mother. This transition coincided with our sitter starting a new career as she had just completing training so it worked for everyone. I took some time to replenish my energy before I started looking for a space to open my art studio.

The following years, at home with my daughters, were amazing. The girls were friends and we had so many adventures together. We have filled many photo albums with happy memories. I will write about this in more detail next month. If you are trying to decided whether to work or stay at home, I know how stressful it can be. I find it easier to discuss if you list your expenses and look at your net pay. Then you add the expenses of going to work-gas, parking, wardrobe, lunches, sitter etc. My husband didn’t think we could make it without my stable income but, when we did the math, years later, it became clear that my money was being spent getting to and from work and paying our sitter. My being here, eliminated all those expenses so we were actually better off when I stayed home. I hope this helps!