Moms Have Stories Too! Mom Story #1May 31, 2019
Growing up, it was just my mom, my brother and I. My father worked in the mines in Africa most of my life and mom and dad had been divorced since I was 5. We only saw my dad every 3-6 months for about a week or 2 at a time. So it was just the three of us. But my mom never seemed to be bothered by it. She loved us so dearly, it showed in everything she did. She was always there for us, with us, and for us. As she would say, she was still young, and when my brother and I leave the house, she will still be young enough to enjoy her whole life before her! My mother was also a spiritualist, she believed in intention, meditation… the science and philosophy of yoga! These were my first introductions of yoga, my childhood and life growing up. We were never grounded… instead, my mother would sit with us and ask us what our intention behind our actions were! This always brought light to the idea to act mindfully, not mindlessly! She was a yogi at heart, but never knew it!
At 18 years old, I moved from my hometown of Sudbury to Ottawa to go to college, and 2 months later, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 lung, liver, brain and bone cancer! I tried to come home to be with her, but she refused…. 8 months later, she had passed. Father’s Day of 2004, it was days after my 19th birthday, and days after her 42nd. After her passing, I went through the motions of her death, everyone said “you need to be strong” “stay strong…” so I did, I didn’t even cry at the funeral, instead, I laughed…. I had gone numb.
Within 6 months from her passing, i was pregnant. I was “happy”, got married a few months later. Had a loving husband, a regular life… had everything we needed. Even through our 3 misscarriages, I was “strong”. I was “happy”. Had nothing to complain about or to be upset about… really I never got upset, sad, mad, I was “happy”.
After the birth of my 3rd child, I had already been on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medication for more than 5 years… a surprise gift from beyond (a hidden life insurance came into my life from my mother’s passing)… and it was a big moment for me… it was the moment I decided to travel to India for the first time… by myself.
Within two years, I had signed up to study in India for 7weeks. I received mixed emotions and words from MANY people regarding my choice to go…. friends of mine and people who knew “me”, were very supportive… those who knew me only for my role as a mother… I received a lot of criticism. “How dare you leave your children, what if something happens to them?, I could NEVER do that to my kids”… it didn’t matter… I went!
My mother had lived for us throughout our childhood. She felt that this was our time and she would focus on herself later when we were grown. Her time never came. She died before she could experience her life and I was determined not to do the same thing. I was doing this for me.
While I was at the yoga retreat, I started feeling again. I realized I had been numb since my mother’s death. I cried and laughed, I was alive. I felt happy and, as the end of the retreat grew near, I knew I couldn’t go back to my life as it was. A wise mentor told me I had two choices: go numb and feel nothing or choose to feel everything. I chose to feel.
I was judged harshly for leaving my husband and children to go away to this retreat but, when I returned, I was a whole person. My husband knew I was different. He felt it. He was a lovely man and I still loved him but I knew we could no longer be together. I had been so scared of the financial repercussions of leaving him but it all worked out perfectly. We kept living together at first while we figured out the logistics of our lives apart. We put the children first. He parents differently than I do but I focus on what I do when the children are with me.
I know that nothing is permanent and I have no idea how much time I have left so I live each day to the fullest. I am teaching my children to be present in the moment, live their lives, be aware of their choices and always be grateful. No matter what you choose in your life, that also is not permanent… I now remember always, that my role as a mother is a role, as a wife, is a wife, as a sister – sister…. but these are all roles, when these capes come off, I am still me! A whole person!