One Father’s Path

May 25, 2018

This month’s blog is the hardest one I’ve written so far. I kept putting it off then shaming myself for not speaking my truth. Isn’t that what I ask of every mother whose story is featured in my book? It’s what I promote in my workshops and at all speaking engagements. The thing is, this story is not just mine, it’s also my husband’s. I decided to share this part of my journey because it is also his journey and, with Father’s Day just around the corner, I thought it was as good a time as any to honour my husband’s path as it is intertwined with mine. So, here it is.

When our eldest was just a few months old, I put her down to sleep for the night and my husband walked into our bedroom. It was late so it was dark but I could tell he had something on his mind. I sat on the bed and he paced back and forth as he told me about the many terrible experiences he’d had as a child ranging from neglect to traumatic abuse. As he spoke, his voice changed. I couldn’t see him in the dark so it made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. He sounded like a little boy. The details of what he said or did at that point are his to share but, I knew from what had transpired that my husband was exhibiting symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder.

The next day, at breakfast, I brought up what had happened the previous night and he had no recollection of our conversation. He reported feeling relaxed, like a burden had been lifted. He was feeling relieved. I shared with him what I knew about post traumatic stress disorder. I urged him to speak to a professional. I recommended the therapist who was my supervisor when I was studying to become an art therapist years ago. He showed up for his appointment, spilled his guts and she suggested he just get over it and move on with his life. I was disappointed in her and shocked. I researched the most successful approaches to managing symptoms of ptsd and found that EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) showed promising results.

My husband contacted a professional who offered EMDR. She officially diagnosed him with ptsd. He found comfort in that diagnosis because it explained many aspects of his life that he never understood. They did months of intensive work together. I was hopeful it would help, I worried that the intensity of their sessions would destroy his mental stability and, I felt guilty for suggesting that he see her because he would come back from his sessions so worn out. What if it made it worst? In the end, my husband credits this lady for helping him.

Next, he was due for knee surgery. During the surgery, they used a sedative-hypnotic anesthetic called Propofol to put him to sleep. When I picked him up from surgery, he was a new man. The propofol seemed to have re-booted his brain. It was like all the work he had done in EMDR had pulled up his old memories and the propofol filed them away in order. He was calm, relaxed and interacting with us as a family in a new, refreshing way. I was so excited!

The effects of the Propofol only lasted four months. Loving someone with ptsd is very lonely. You love someone who often feels disconnected or disinterested in you. Sometimes, you sense deep loathing from this person who is supposed to be your partner. Getting relaxed enough to fall asleep is very challenging for people with traumatic memories so they often drink until they pass out or feel numb enough to get some sleep. The alcohol lowers inhibitions and, in some instances, your loved one says hurtful things to you. They may not remember what they said by morning. If they do, they feel very sorry. My husband describes it as being stuck inside of his mind, watching himself say or do things and knowing it’s wrong but being unable to stop it. To me, it feels like an accumulation of tension that is released on the one person who feels safe.

I felt a great deal of compassion for my husband at first but, over time, his hurtful words and behaviour made me angry. I felt stuck between compassion for myself and compassion for him. I also worried about the impact that his behaviour would have on our daughter. She tried so hard to get his attention, making noises, doing silly things and looking up for his approval. I tried to direct his attention her way so they could connect but it was excruciating. I was burning out. Eventually, after a painful outburst, my husband asked his family doctor for help. He received a prescription for an SSRI (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor). He felt like a bit of a zombie at first but he soon appreciated the calm and stability that this medication brought him. I didn’t trust the medication. I wouldn’t relax. I waited for him to have an outburst. Over time, I came to trust it. We had some great times as a family and my husband was able to make up for lost time, actively parenting and bonding.

After years of stability, my husband started to behave in more erratic ways, his words had an edge, he was short-tempered and easily frustrated. I wondered how this was happening. I asked him if he felt that he might need a stronger dose of SSRI. My husband confessed that he had stopped taking his medication. He was fed up with it. A friend brought him CBD oil in a pen. He started using the pen at night to get some sleep. The oil made him calm, he didn’t stress about anything, he was funny and we had really interesting conversations about the universe and the future of our society. I was liking the impact of the oil but I wondered how he would manage while we were travelling. We were preparing for a trip.

By the time we went away, my husband had stopped using the pen because it wasn’t reliable. Sometimes it would spike his anxiety, other times it would calm him. He needed something else that was more consistent. Throughout our trip, my husband struggled with anxiety meaning he spent more time on his technology, watching violent programs, drinking and sleeping. It hurt to watch him living like this and to see the impact on our family.

After our car accident in 2014, I went to see someone for Neurofeedback. She helped my brain self-regulate and I found out Neurofeedback is recommended to help manage the symptoms of ptsd. From the very first session, my husband felt the impact of these 30 minute treatments. He is better able to self-soothe, knowing that there is an end to each wave of anxiety and overwhelm. I can not say enough about the power of Neurofeedback to train the brain away from dysfunction, building new, healthy brain patterns.

Vincent and I are still together, we have been through some rough patches and, there were times I questioned if we would make it to the other side. I have so much admiration for him because he never stopped trying to heal his brain. I think what helped us survive is:

1-My husband communicates clearly and often. If he’s feeling anxious, he’ll let me know. If something is triggering him, he’ll tell me. If he needs to be left alone, he’ll ask for some space. I am honest with my husband about how his behaviour or words affect me but I word it in a way that is not blaming or hurtful.

2-My husband is very affectionate. There were times when I felt that he couldn’t care less but he would reach out and hold my hand or he’d hold me when I went to bed.

3-We have a date every Saturday night. We talk about what is going on with each of us during our dates. We are able to be honest without risking the children overhearing.

4-My husband never stopped looking for help. Every time something promising came about, he would try it. He has been very brave in trying new things.

5-We both really wanted our marriage to work out. Neither of us grew up in a home with a father. I never knew my father and his dad was in and out of the house. We wanted our children to grow up in a loving home with two parents. We worked very hard to create that for them.

6-My training in psychology led to recognizing the symptoms of ptsd and getting help as early as possible.
If you are in a relationship and you feel that your partner may have ptsd, here are the symptoms to watch for:

Hypervigilance: This feels like living in a constant state of emergency. You know how you feel when you can’t find your wallet and realize you’ve lost it? That inner panic? Your partner’s brain is running on high. This means it’s easier to startle him. He has a short fuse. He rushes. He drives fast and erratically. He listens to loud music or watches violent shows. He has a hard time falling asleep which leads to the drinking or prescription drugs.

Flashbacks: Depending on your partner’s trauma, certain people, situations or sounds will trigger traumatic memories. For my husband, it was the sound of our daughter crying or a sudden noise or having too many items on his to-do list. Nightmares can also interfere with your partner’s sleep as well as your own if you can hear him re-living the worst moments of his life.

Numbing: One way your partner may cope is by drinking, doing drugs or spending lots of time focused on something that doesn’t involve people-fixing cars, running errands, buying stuff online, playing games on his phone or watching videos on the internet. He also protects himself by disconnecting from loved ones. Most spouses feel that their partner hates them or couldn’t care less. This is not true but it certainly seems that way.

So, what can you do?

1-Show your love because your partner needs it. The angrier, more anxious he is, the more love he is craving because his mind is filled with self-shaming. Refrain from judging or name-calling because this only escalates the situation. e.g.. “You are such an ass!”

2-Don’t take it personally. He is fighting his own battles and, while it may rub off on you, it’s not about you. You are just a witness.

3-Communicate your needs, boundaries, feelings when your partner is able to receive and process this information.

4-Give him space when he needs it. Give yourself space when you need it. Sundays were often difficult for my husband so I would take the girls out for ice cream or we’d head out to the beach.

5-Look for help. There are many different therapies available for people living with ptsd. Do your research and find what works for you.

6-Talk to your children about what is happening in a way that is age-appropriate without overburdening them so they don’t blame themselves.

7-Take care of your own needs. Do what helps you feel energized. Loving someone who is in pain can be draining and may lead to burnout. There is a name for it “compassion fatigue”.

I hope this short blog can have an impact on someone out there.

Resource: www.ptsdassociation.com